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Do I Dare

Do I dare to walk in sin
To live my life giving in
To the lie: I can live however I want
And call myself a Christian

Do I dare to stand irreverently
To enter in Your presence so easily
Thinking I can meet You whenever I please
Without fear and trembling?

For so long I thought I was living for You
But all of this time I’ve been playing the fool

Like a mirror
Your holiness illuminates my sin
Lord, I don’t want to live my life
In darkness again
I want to be purified
Changed by refining fire
So I can be the light

Week after week, day after day
Listening to what You have to say
Learning Your word and knowing Your way
Do I dare to disobey?

I don’t want to fall away from the truth
But walking the narrow road isn’t easy to do
I know it will happen to me
If I don’t hold on to You

For so long I thought I was living for You
But I’m so tired of playing the fool

1 John 1:5-7 / Ephesians 5:8-10

Do I Dare by Carrie Pettit

I love these lyrics.  I was listening to a song (Life of Faith) on the radio Thursday night, and finally found who sang it.  I love her music.  Very real — very relatable.

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In Everything, Trust

Everything.  The weight was closing in on him.  Everything he looked for seemed broken.  There once was life in him, but that was months ago.  He lost everything on that cool night in November – everything he thought was important.  Now all that’s left is a memory of what was.  What could have been.  What would have been.  It’s not this death that torments him: life came from that.  It’s the worry and stress; the weight of everything.  Everything he thought he trusted …

Trust.  His trust is immeasurable.  He does trust, but how much … ?

Failure!  He’s failed.  He’s failed the one he loves.  He sees no way out.  There’s the doubt that betrays the trust.  It betrays the hope that all is not lost.  All is not lost …

Failure it is not.  Everything is not lost.  Trust is not dead.

As his understanding of even the smallest things fades into nothingness, he learns of trust.

Three hours have gone by, nothing to show for it but a failure to understand.

Five days earlier: trust.  Absolute confidence.  Firm belief.  It cannot be shaken.  Trust.  Learning to trust in the Lord with everything.  Nothing held back.  Complete abandonment.  As if jumping off a cliff, a complete, total, secure, solid confidence that the Lord will be there.  He collapses.

There he learns to trust.  In everything, his trust is in the Lord.

Here are a few scriptures for this little story (or whatever you want to call it) …

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NLT)

Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.

Hebrews 10:23 (NLT)

I could post many more, but I’ll leave that to you, the reader, to find.

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Comatose, Crossfire, and Set Me Free

The new Skillet album, Comatose, is out.  It’s awesome.  Here’s a sample of the song Comatose (this and Better than Drugs is my favorites off of the new CD).

I hate living without you
Dead wrong to ever doubt you
But my demons lay in waiting
Tempting me away
Oh how I adore you
Oh how I thirst for you
Oh how I need you

Comatose (Skillet)

Another new album that came out last week was Pillar’s The Reckoning.  Crossfire has some of my favorite lyrics in it.

I would take death before I deny you
I would cheat death just to stand by you
I would fear death if I couldn’t see you
I would take death before I deny you
Death before deny

Crossfire (Pillar)

Two great new CD’s.  They’ve been playing almost non-stop since I got them.   Casting Crowns released another live CD last Tuesday, too.  It’s been on my list as well.  Set Me Free is one of my favorite songs now.  Out of all the music I listen to, Casting Crowns is one of my favorites (mainly because they’re singing about being The Body of Christ).  So, I must also put part of their lyrics up.

As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my eyes
And darkness cannot hide

Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains
I hold the key
All power on Heav’n and Earth belong to me

You are Free

Set Me Free (Casting Crowns)

So there’s a few things I’ve been checking out and listening to here lately.  There’s been a lot of other great CD’s released lately, but posting about them all would just lead to pure boredom.

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MinistryTalk.com and E-Blah Updates

MinistryTalk.com

I’m attempting to restart MinistryTalk.com.  I’ve redone the layout and plan to try to move it to a new location on the server, and then advertise it.  It never really kicked off, but I think there’s much potential in it if we have some good, solid advertising.  I’ve just let Tim know of the changes, though.  I’m a part owner in the site with Tim.  The site’s not doing anything just sitting there (although it does host church messages).  That was my original idea for a site, and Tim wanted to start a ministry related site, so that’s where it came up.  I’ve saw a few other sites pop up offering church message hosting now — only they have better advertising.  I’m horrible at advertising though, so it’s hard to get a good site started.  They may have potential, but it’s harder to get them actually motivated.

Needless to say, if anyone wants to help spread the word or just check it out, head over to the MinistryTalk.com Forums.

E-Blah

I released another version of E-Blah on Friday.  So far response has been quite well — much better than the release back in August.  I’m trying to shoot for a new release every month until the start of next year.  If I make those dates is anybodies guess.  I guess there’s not much to update, other than that I’m pretty happy with how things are going.  I just wish there was more advertising behind it.

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Frustration

College and the importance thereof.  Or not.

Why is it that you go to school for half of your life, then you go back to school (college) for another half of your life to learn about crap you could really care less about?  On top of that, half of it is useless, time consuming items that could be well spent doing something else.  This is just part of the confusions and frustrations I’ve been dealing with the past few days.

Over the past several years, I’ve been pretty good at computers.  They come naturally to me.  I’m not good with all aspects of computing, of course, but I can manage to do just about what basic book sense professionals can do (only in about one-fifth of the amount of time it’d take them to run through their book-sense procedures).  I’m just stating the facts of life and how I’ve seen it played out at work and other jobs I’ve done online and such.  If I can’t figure something out I’ll spend literally hours trying to figure it out.  Normally I’ll either do exactly what I wanted to do, or make a work around that would do what I wanted it to do (such as with things I don’t know much about: databases and *nix-based operating systems).

Anyway, I say all that because I’m downright bored with college.  All I’m learning about is how to write a several page essay paper on something I could care less about reading, much less responding to or do research and then respond to an essay.  However, with that said, I do like reading and writing.  I don’t even mind the occasional two-page analytical essay about something I read.  What I do not like is writing several of them per class, not having a clear example of how to write it (to that instructors specifications), and ones requiring me to write pages and pages on end about something that could have been expressed in one to two pages — tops.

Next is math.  I love math.  The thing I don’t like about it is learning the specific formulas and then being taught something in 45 minutes, which should have taken at least 3 hours to discuss.  I don’t learn by watching and doing later.  I learn by watching, trying to do it in class, and then seeing where I screwed up, so I can go back and make the needed corrections.

Technically, the only way I know I may be able to get an okay job is to put up with this nonsense for another few years.  I’m not sure that I’ll get a good job then though.  I’ve seriously been considering going through the process of changing my major here lately too.  I like programming, but I like doing it alone (in other words, I hate looking at others code and hacking it).  I like server and database administration.  I like web-based computing (as that’s really what all of my experience thus far has been in).

The dream I have with a career involves a little bit of computers and a little bit of church.  I want to be involved in the church someway.  I also want to be involved in this community in someway.  I wish something could come up where I could work around here — contract — with various computer needs of local area businesses.  There must be someone that needs some help, somehow.  I really don’t know how to do that though.  Advertising is not my speciality.  Not in the least.

It often seems that the hope I have for that is just utterly hopeless.  I’m not sure anyone really thinks it can happen.  It might be true.  I’m trying to trust God.  I’m just worried about not passing my core classes …

… and that’s rarely ever a joyful place to be.

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Quick Little Overview

The past two weeks have been good.  The only bad parts are the sections where I have to think about school.

I’m starting to get tired of it.  Tuesdays and Thursdays are the note days.  I hate them.  Calculus 1 looks interesting, I’m just not sure I fully get it.  I do get some of it, but some of it seems to go right over my head.  If I can’t figure something out, I’m get frustrated and just would rather not see it anymore.  He did a review Monday, and so I learned a good bit then (after the one and a half hour mark, you get tired of hearing math, too).  The test tomorrow should be interesting.

Biology.  I think my essay on global warming may go in direct opposition to his beliefs.  I hope he doesn’t count off for that.  We’ll see.  October 10th.

British Literature.  Love the class, hate the essays.  I’ve only done one, and I’ve got to say, I’m going to hate doing the rest of them.  Especially the research one.  He’s a great teacher.  I do hope he teaches us how he wants the essay papers, though.  He’s A+ on the literature side.  That doesn’t happen often.

Biology Lab?  Okay class, kind of pointless at times, but it’s okay.  Probably the only interaction I ever get with people during the day.  People don’t really talk to others at AUM.  Why?  No clue.

The class that’s just a “computer basics” class.  Well, let’s not even go there.  Boring.

Anywho.  I’ve been thinking more lately about things.  I’ll post those sometime later.  I’ll give a brief run down now, I guess …

I’ve been listening to stuff from my previous church (NLC), new church (LWWC), and just various in-betweens (ex: the radio) here lately.  I’ve been getting a lot out of those things too.  My church: brokenness and greatness.  I’ve been learning a lot out of New Life because of their many different services, some of them is: big ideas, stop looking at past spiritual experiences and look to today (I really needed this!), greatness, etc.  A few of them also went hand in hand with what my pastor (Pastor Chris) has been talking about.  All around the same time period too!  Family Life Today on Monday (and though this week, I hear) has been speaking with Tim Kimmel about his book on raising kids for true greatness.  I honestly can’t explain it near as good as he does, but in a few works: celebrate the things kids to for God as much (if not more) than they do at school, work, etc.  God is eternal, those are temporary.  Just a few pointers for myself when I have a kid or two.

That’s all for tonight.  I want to squeeze in another podcast before bed, if I can.

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The Runaway

It was a cold, dark night.  Darker than most.  The streets were empty.  In front of the church stood a man.  He stood there, looking passionately ahead at the small building.  There was a whisper, faint.  As rain started to fall, he let out a sigh and walked away.  The church looked so distant.  As if standing a mile away, yet being only a few yards.  This was it.  This was the end.  Enough.

Years ago he had seen the miracles.  Years ago he had been passionate for God.  Years ago he had chased after God.  Years ago he saw God move in his city, in his church, and in his life.  Years ago.

These days are different.

The more he sought God, the more hardened he became.  Tired.  He was tired of seeking God with no feeling of return.  Where was God when his father died?  Where was God when he lost everything?  Where was God?

It never started out this way.  He was passionate.  People looked at him with shock.  He was what the world saw as “radical”.  He chased after God with his whole being.  A missionary, one with raw zeal for God.  The words flowed from his lips as he recited entire chapters of the Word.  That was when there was joy.  Hope.  Life.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way.  No, he was supposed to be that missionary.  He was supposed to be that man.  Supposed to be.  The troubles of life consumed him.  The others were saying, “there is no God”.  It’s all chance.  The Living Book has become his item of distrust.  “There’s no way it’s true,” he now says.

He’s not forgotten.  He’s still got the passion he had, but it’s slowly fading away.  Things are going great now, he tells himself.  He believes what he’s told now.  “These secular teachers speak the truth,” he now says.

The rain is pouring down now.  As he pulls out of the parking lot of the church, he feels satisfied.  That’s what he’ll tell everyone, anyway.  The truth of it all is that he’s dead.  Bitter.  Broken.  Completely empty.  Blinded.  Blinded by the lies.  He’s still okay.  He laughs a little.  It hides the pain that he just can’t show.  He won’t show.  He knows where he needs to be, he’s seen the power.  He can’t deny it within; only publicly.  Lost.  So very lost.  He ran away.  Away from the loving arms of Christ.  God’s calling out to him: he’s got to decide.  Recommit or die; there’s no time left.  He makes the choice.

Ok, so I decided to post a bit different tonight.  A little story of sorts, with some truth behind it.  It’s about something that’s been on my mind that I really don’t have any other way to write it out, other than how I just did.  I’m not that great of a story teller either (and really, I shift tenses like crazy), but that’s not the point.  The idea behind everything may not make sense to some, but I hope it speaks to someone (because I know there’s someone that’s bound to get something out of it).  Oh, and this isn’t anything describing me; nor is it a complete story or is it based on anything proven to be true.  This is why the story is open ended.

As for my ending?

But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.

—Psalm 71:14 NIV