Smiling and Smiling

Alright, so I wake up this morning late, not too late though, and take a shower and get all ready to go to school when I open the door to my car and notice that my non-working sunroof has leaked again. I had to run and get a few towels and let them suck up the standing water and such. I’ll probably put some kind of sealant on the sunroof window tomorrow when everything is completely dried and there’s no threat of rain. The sunroof had leaked before but we cleaned out the little drainage holes and all, so it wouldn’t leak anymore. I have no clue what could have got in there to clog it up again. That kind of stuff just drives me up the wall because I just don’t want anything to happen to my car and all. I just need to trust God with it though, my lifes in His hands.

Moving along … yesterday before church I checked out iTickets website for some reason and low and behold … the Falling Up concert has been cancled. While that ticked me off, I waited for “conformation”. I let my mom call the people up while I was at school and all today. The church said they cancled just a week prior to the event, and later — around 7 o’clock or so, someone calls back from the events sponser as to why it was cancled. The reasoning made me very mad. I’m not mad at the sponser, I’m very happy and excited at what they’re doing and hope they don’t give up — I’m mad at this general area. The event was cancled as only 4 tickets — yes only FOUR tickets — were sold. Three for me … and obviously someone else was going. Now sure, that understandable. While I’ve not heard the other side of the story, I did hear my mom’s retelling of why the event was canceled. The local radio stations in the Montgomery area wouldn’t run ads. The local churches wouldn’t sponser it. I guess over all they had no support and word of mouth only works so much.

Now this all brings me to the church. The church is suppose to be a body of people supporting each other. Yet it’s like the church is only supporting itself. It’s not reaching out. I saw so many people at school and when I said I listen to Christian Rock most thought that meant Third Day. Third Day, for those who need informing, is a band from Atlanta. That’s probably the only reason everyone knows them. They have some very powerful songs — but the lyrics are really the best part about their music. A large majority of church today likes to push Christian Rock, Rap, Hard Rock, and etc out the window and DISCOURAGE them from listening to such. Look, the times have changed. The church has to change with the times. As much as I hate the music class I’m in, I’ve learned something … durring the reformation hymns became a part of church largely in part due to Martin Luther and his protestant reformation. The catholic church was faced with a challenge — and they, as well, had a change in music. A vast majority of what Christian Rock entails NEEDS to be in church today. Sometimes we just need to cry out to God — and the word cry there means to shout (Ps. 18:6, for example). I know many songs that hold so much emotion and passion for God that needs to be put into church — and these are deeper than your grandmothers hymns, these are songs full of the hearts of todays youth and young adults. The fact is, people are still listening to secular music when there is much better Christian music focused on a living Holy God. The sad part about it is that parts of the church condem this. The areas that are accepting it are seeing revival.

It’s kind of interesting that the last major revival (the reformation and the revivals that spawned the 400 years or so after it) started with new music, opposition to how the church of the time was run (it’s leaders and the political structure it entailed), and it vastly started with youth and young adults. Martin Luther became a monk around the age of 22, and declared his intolerance of the Roman Catholic church around the age of 34. William Tyndall had his masters degree by the age of 21 and could speak fluently in eight languages (so well that people said it was hard to tell it wasn’t his native language), he was still young at the age of 41 when he died (a maryter).

Okay, thirty minutes later and I’m studying church history. Very interesting. The first Bible every printed in America was in 1663 by John Eliot, which was written in the Native American language. I’ll have a lot of stuff to look at now, this site is packed full of information.

It’s time for bed now …

Life and Love

There comes a day when life and love collide. This should be every day, yet so many times we, as humans, tend to mix love with so many other things. Love isn’t sex and how long you talk to someone. Love isn’t knowing someone. Love is something that can’t be expressed in words. It can be shown, by all of these, but this isn’t Love. Love is something undescribable. Love isn’t a feeling. Feelings lie. Feelings change. Love never fails. Love never demands it’s own way. When life and love collide, what could happen? Who would fall to their knees in sobbing and weeping? Could anyone possibly sit there as if nothing occured?

I think all too often we, myself included, look at so much other things and look to so many other things that really isn’t worth giving my time of day to. There comes a day though when all we want is change. When we find there must be something more, but what is it that we’re looking for that we don’t have? We’ve done everything else. We’ve had the sex, we’ve done the talks, we’ve done everything … but were is the love? Does love just come from doing these things, or does love come from something else? Life is so much more than acting wild and being crazy. What is it though?

We look so many ways fo something that we don’t need. We think that “if this makes me feel good, it must be good”. What if what feels good is wrong though? What if what makes you feel good today makes you tremble tomorrow when you’re holding the phone? I’ve been there, and I’ve been here.

Right now I feel like I have butterflies, but they’re like burning. It’s the awesomest feeling, yet at the same time there’s something that makes me want to just let any emotion that I have out. I see people with open hearts that are so beautiful, but like a face pushed to the ground and stepped all over, so has their heart been. Their hearts are so broken. They look to other things for what they want. On movies they show sex, it looks like they like it. It looks like nothings wrong with it, and that no one really gets hurt. What if they only show one side? What if sex does hurt more than one person? What will happen when they’re holding the phone trembling because of what was said? Will doing whatever feels good really benifit anyone?

Whilst I’ve never smoked, nor have I never drank, or even done drugs … does it make me want to? Will that make me feel better on those days when I feel so bad? I’ve been on several sides of the road, and sometimes I feel like I’m on the dirtroad going in the wrong direction. God in all his grace has set me free, yet sometimes I feel like there’s something missing. I’ve done the deed, I’ve done the act, and all I can say is that in hindsight — which always seems 20/20 — it was wrong. What felt good at the time didn’t hurt me at the time. It tried to destroy me. Had I continued on the course it would have. While I might would have been successful in the workplace, I would be longing for love that couldn’t be found in sex or anything else. I’ve noticed a few things about getting to know someone, loving someone, and never touching them once — you really love them. It’s not lust, it’s love. Pornography doesn’t bring love, sex doesn’t bring love, nothing we can do can bring love. Sex isn’t a display, showing, or even an act of love, unless you really know them. Not just saying you know them, but really getting to know them. It’s not any of that until you and the other can wait until marriage — no matter how hard that may be. That’s the problem though — it is hard. It’s possibly the hardest things in live to do — waitting for marriage to have sex.

There are hundreds of zombies walking around all around us. They claim they feel perfect, yet they’re dying inside. No one knows it but them, no one knows what they’re going through but them, no one has ever experienced what they’re experiencing. There are other people though. They’ve been there. There’s no reason to stay at home in their rooms with their head in their hands. There is someone who loves them. There are other people who have went through what they’re going through, and some pull out of it, some stay in their own prision poisioning themselves by their own self-hatred. Why, though? Is this really the way to live? Does life really feel better when you cover it up with sex? Sex is so awesome, it’s something that’s beyond what human imagination can imagine. What makes it awesome if everyone knows what you’re like in bed though? Is there anything awesome in that?

Sure, your going to have sex and of course you’re then getting married. When, though? You’re sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty … you’re still caught up in all of the drama elsewhere in life and imature with other things to ever be making such a rash descision. Very few are mature enough to handle marriage comitments at the age of eighteen or nineteen, though some are. If you’re too imature to wait to have sex though, are you really mature enough to handle marriage? A lasting marriage at that? What will happen when ten weeks from now she breaks up with you? Will there be another girl to treat the same way, to go and have sex with and tell her the same stuff you told the other one? What happens when he breaks up with you? Will you still believe the stuff that he told you? The truth of the matter is, there are very few lasting marriage that occur with highschool sweethearts. When you’ve been with two people, does that really make life more satisfying? What happens when you’ve given your hear away to five people? I’ve been here, I said marriage, I was engaged. The engagement lasted four months. Truth of the matter is, I never loved her. Our relationship was based on more of lust than anything — on both sides. So what’ll happen when that call comes? Will you run to another relationship? Will you consol with friends? Will you drop to your knees and cry out to God? Or will you just sit there, and wait to die.

My [Future] Wife Part 2

In a previous entry I spoke about who I’m looking for in a future wife. I later said I was probably going to add to that list, and so that’s what this entry is for.

First things first, for those that do not know me, I’m quiet in person. I study and learn, and more importantly, I listen. I listen to people. I see things that happen, I hear the problems other people are having in their relationships. I learn different things during these times. Some of these points have come about simply because of things that I’ve heard and came across and find that I really don’t believe is characteristics of a healthy, loving, godly relationship. So here’s how it all starts.

My wife must be a Christian. This is the first and most important thing about who I’m going to marry. There must be a love and a zeal for God, and it must be evident by the way she lives and others people should see, by the way she lives, that there is something different about her. This would lead to good morals, good attitudes, and clean godly lifestyle. This also means that she holds nothing against anyone, and thus lives in forgiveness. I believe that all eight of the fruits of the spirit should be evident, or at least growing evident, in her life — love, joy, peace, patients, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self control. I want my wife to be clean of moral hazards that wreck the lives of people in today’s culture, this includes sex, drugs, television, music, images, and various other forms of media currently out there.

All of this, I believe, will lead to my wife having self respect. She’s respect both herself, but also those in authority over her — pastor, parents, government, and boss. Respecting herself includes the way she dresses, speech, acts, and serves.

My wife will not have jealousy running rampant in her life, this will carry on to also mean that she’ll not want, or feel the need, to manipulate myself or others to get what she wants.

This leads me to the new things I’m going to add. I’m not removing, but more downplaying the moving part now. I really want to settle down and live in an area where I settle down at. If that means move before then, then that’s what it means. I’m believing God for this one. Money issues have also caused me to think. I’m someone who saves money and doesn’t spend it if I don’t have the money. I also don’t believe too highly in having my wife work, although I wouldn’t object if she wanted to work (as long as we don’t have kids). I believe in stay at home moms, and I think this is the way it should be. I believe that the money I make, that it’ll be able to support my family after college, with one job, without having to resort to my wife working.

Now, that’s what I’m looking for, and this list is God’s list. It’s impossible, true, but I serve the possible, Almighty God. To put a twist on all of this I want to add what I hope to be to my wife — a strong leader following those in authority over me (Christ, Pastor, government), love her, cherish her, make her feel special (even in those times she feels down), support her in her goals and ambitions, be there when she feels no one else can or will, pick her up when she falls, make her laugh, make her cry those joyful tears, and just be the person, the man, she’s never had or never thought she could find.

That’s all, it’s a short list (or is it?), but that’s who I want my wife to be, and that’s who I want to be to my wife.

Update 1 (December 26, 2005): Whomever I marry must not use a cell phone on the first four dates (after that — used in heavy moderation). I hate cell phones with a passion.

Also, I’ve thought a little more about personality, my wife must be a little more outgoing than I am (this does not mean loud and obnoxious though, and it doesn’t mean she doesn’t know what being meek is).

Update 2 (December 31, 2005): My future girlfriend, fiancée, and wife will love Christian Music and not listen to any secular music (any at all, actually).

Update 3 (January 11, 2006): My future girlfriend, fiancée, and wife must be real. What do I mean by that? I mean that when she’s around me, she doesn’t act differently than when she’s around her other friends. I’m completely open, honest, and sincere with everything I give, so I feel she should be also. If she says she’s shy — she should be shy. If she says she’s outgoing, be outgoing. I’m not going to marry a superficial young lady. If she’s outgoing, I want to know her that way. If she’s shy, I want to know her that way. If she feels I won’t accept her for who she is, then who is she? If she’s herself, she has nothing to hide but herself. That’s who I want to see. The woman God created her to be. Not some mirror image of someone she perceives as “perfect”.

Update 4 (April 13, 2007): Update to the second update.  While “must love Christian music” stays, I believe that if she’s lost in God, she’ll be able to discern what is right and wrong in terms of what she listens to.  Also, the length of time she has been a Christian is obviously something else to take into account.

Secondly, I do not want anyone to think these are “she’s got to be this way”.  While these are good, admirable qualities, I know that she may not have them all “perfected”.  I’m not perfect on any of these, and even fail at times myself.  I also know that she may be a newer believer.  While she has to be pure, I do not think the distant past should be judged.  I want her to be growing in God and learning the things God is speaking to her. 

Update to the first one, I don’t fully hate cell phones.  I still don’t think they should be used on dates (of any kind), for more than a few minutes max.  There’s a point to where it’s past “okay” to the point of rude.  I realize dating can be nervous, but cell phones shouldn’t be a way to get over that nervousness.  I understand emergencies and phone calls from family.

As for update number three, I was basically just saying I want my date to be herself and not feel like she has to impress me or anything.  I’m already impressed if I’m taking her out.

Above All the Others

The day was long, the night was warm. It’s 9:50PM, offically I have 10 minutes to edit my blog, unoffically I’ll be here until after that time. Today was just awesome. The past three days or so have been awesome though. I’m not sure why, but I think there are a few things I need to address in my life as of late. One of those being *gasp* girls. I spend so much time wishing I had a girlfriend, or wishing I could go out with this or that girl, that sometimes I think I overlook what I need right now. Truth be told, I don’t want to marry when I’m older than 24 or 25. I’m hoping I find the one for me marry before then, of course that’s all in God’s hands (hard as that may sometimes be). I have known for a while now that I need to give this up, but I just want a relationship. I just need a good friend right now too. Sometimes I think I spend too much energy trying to find the one, when I need to just lay it down and let God handle it. I’ve given God my list, God knows who I want. I’m believing He’ll give me just what I want. In fact, I know He will. I’m posting my list in this post because this is exactly who I want in my next girlfriend, my wife.

My Future Wife:


  1. Must be a Christian.

    1. Loves Christ with all her heart.
    2. Means what she says when she says she’s a Christian.
    3. Good morals (ie: no premarital sex)
  2. Loves everyone and holds nothing against anyone (does not bitterness in her heart against people).
  3. Does not care for the things of the world, which includes:
    1. Music
    2. TV (ie: shows where they talk about nothing but sex, and have nothing but profanity)
    3. Drugs
  4. Respect:
    1. Respects those in authority, and everyone she’s around.
    2. Respects me, as I respect her.
    3. Respects HERSELF in her clothing, speech, etc.
  5. Not jealous of anyone.
  6. Doesn’t mind moving to other states, and such (obviously after marriage).
  7. MUST NOT be manipulative (this would be tied into the others also).

Amoung other happy news … I’m happy! I don’t know why I’m happy. It’s not like I’m never happy, but for some reason I’m just happy. It’s diffrent, but awesome. God’s awesome. What’s so awesome is that Jesus died for me because he loved me. He LOVED me! You know sometimes we can push things out of the way and try to not worry or think about them, and when we do that it’s like trying to hide something that’s just not there. It’s like knowing it’s there, but not attending to it. This can be anything, even sins. A sin, purhaps, we don’t want God to know about so we push it out of our mind to try to make God think it’s not there. I know I’m guilty of it. I don’t want to be like that anymore though. I’ve pretty much always been straight up with people. If something looks good I’ll tell them it looks good. If I have something that’s bothering me, I’ll be straight up and tell them. Purhaps, though, just purhaps, I tell everyone else but never tell God those things, and He wants to know those things (much more than the people I tell also).

I was reading this awesome morning about a church not too far from here that made me jealous. Jealous because that’s what I want. So many, so very many, things are happening there. The city sounds just like ours too (a little diffrent, of course). There are drug problems, the works. There church (which is really just a youth group on Tuesdays and Saturdays) is growing. Over 700 people (if I read right). It’s what I want for this area. I’ve asked God why can’t we have that here … and I’m expecting an answer. I think, maybe, that I saw it elsewhere (Colorado Springs) that I’ve been blinded (is that the right word), and I’ve had this mindset that it just cannot happen here. This place is so religious. What, though, what if that wasn’t so much a bad thing for once? What if that is how people start coming? Our generation is searching for something diffrent. We’re tired of the same old same old. We want something real.

Your loves like candy! You take me places that I never dreamed I could go. God is so awesome, things in my life that I never imagined could happen — have happened. God has taken me farther than I could have ever imagined. I can only guess where I would be at if God hadn’t come in (and focusing on that really doesn’t accomplish anything).