“Relief from or removal of a mental complex” or the “loss or reduction of sensitivity to infection or an allergen accomplished by means of frequent, small doses of the antigen” — the definition of desensitization. There is so much I could express and say tonight and I am deeply overcome. I cannot express even a fraction of what is on my mind. I try to push myself to accept things sometimes, but I cannot any longer. I feel alone – I am alone. I would rather be alone than compromise. There is a psychological term called desensitization that is incredibly interesting. I may not fully understand it, but gradually moving someone closer to something they fear with something positive at the same time can cause them to no longer be afraid of it. What I find interesting, is the same tactic is in use with sin – each year it goes a little further, each year what was once feared is now gradually more accepted. What was once feared and unacceptable is now acceptable. What was once dirty is now clean and okay. It’s not okay. I must protect every part of my life, and it is a battle – especially when it appears (though it is highly distorted) I’m the only one running.  Read 1 Kings 19.


These past few weeks have been … just different.  I feel I’m learning more now than I have in a while — and school has nothing to do with it.  I’ll just run down a few things I’ve been going through lately.

Someone told me something about how things were going with them, and I shared some of what going on with me.  I learned something though that conversation though, and that is that sometimes what we see in others really isn’t bad, but rather good — even when it appears horrible or hopeless.  I have no idea where God has them or me.  He may have me somewhere all alone for many years, yet if I were to pass that time up and run after my own desires nothing that God had for me to do could be accomplished (or it could, it would just probably take a lot longer and a lot more heartache).  Strangely enough, I’ve been thinking about this for the past few days and was awakened at 6:19 (I set my alarm clock weird) by a radio program, which I don’t regularly listen to (time: obviously). The speaker was talking about Joseph and how the time he had been in prison helped build his character. On another note, he mentioned he didn’t complain either. I may have missed the entire point he was trying to make (as I only heard around five minutes of it), but that was just what I needed to hear. That said, I’ve heard it before already at my church …

I said school wasn’t one, but it’s strange because three of my classes are all different, yet they’re all talking about the same thing in different ways (sometimes).  The thing I am picking up most is the economic side of things, which is quite interesting.  This is just a side note though…

Basically everything I’ve listened to lately all agrees with each other (all they all come from all over the place). I watched a movie last night that taught me a lot about how to live life – selfless. There’s just a lot of things that just been going on, and I’m just praying that I stop trying to figure it all out, and just step back and let God do what he wants to do. The more knowledge I have, the more useless I am – if that’s all I have. The more I try to figure things out, the more I see there are some things that aren’t meant to be figured out by my own human wisdom. It’s frustrating sometimes, no doubt, but it’s the only way to go. As much as I wish I’m over all of what I’ve been hearing, I’m not. So, I’m learning …

Criticism and Judgement

The American Heritage Dictionary states that criticism is “a critical comment or judgment” and it is “the act of criticizing, especially adversely” ( So perhaps I’m an expert on criticism. It’s great being able to look at something or someone and point out all of its flaws. How much harder it is to actually point out its unique beauty and character?

Several days ago I was listening to someone speak on fasting, and some of the things you can fast from (because fasting can also mean “a period of refrain”). While I wasn’t as focused on what exactly was being said, I found something that stuck out to me: you can refrain from criticism for a period of time. Now, I love to point out people’s flaws so refraining from criticism can’t be easy. I mean, look at how people park in a parking lot! Just plain bad sometimes. But what if there was a reason for it? Sure, the parking may still be bad, but what if the reason they parked so “bad” was because of some external reason, say perhaps there was a buggy in their way?

I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and I’ve started just telling myself “don’t criticize” when I feel so inclined to do so. I’m good at judging people before I know them a lot of times. I don’t know exactly why I feel inclined to point out others faults, especially when I’m no better than they are, sometimes more so than others. I remember a few days ago when I said something about how someone could be put in jail for a specific action they did – all the while not thinking that I could be found guilty of the same thing. When I look at people, I no longer what to think or see the “wrong” they may be in. I want to love them. Love never fails.

So this is what I’ve been learning lately. I’m not near the end of the tunnel, and I don’t see myself as “fasting” criticism, but rather trying to escape it. How can I really judge others, condemning them, while I myself am just as guilty of the same sins they are? Jesus said that if we lust after someone we’ve already committed adultery in our hearts. In the same way, if I judge someone for doing something that I have only acted upon in my mind, how much different is it? I committed the same sin, yet I judge the other person for acting upon it. I don’t ever want to do that, yet I have before and I still do. I think it’s something that we as a body of believers should long to be free of, not just because it may be a “noble” thing to do, but because it’s the Biblical thing to do.


Entertainment captivates people. It’s something people pursue. Entertainment is a part of life, we all want to be entertained at some point or another during our day. Some people live for it, while others just enjoy it from time to time. Where does entertainment go from being just something we enjoy, to being an idol, something we obsess over?

I’m not going to say I know that answer, because I really don’t know exactly myself. Entertainment in itself isn’t bad. I like to watch movies sometimes, play games, and the like. There is always a point where too much can become a bad thing, though. There’s a point where it can steal away and blind a people from the things of God, from living our life in positive worship to God.

I enjoy playing video games. Is this wrong? No. Too much time spent playing them can be though. I’m writing to myself tonight. There’s been weeks I’ve spent hours and hours just wasting away at video games. I’m not alone, I’m sure there are other people who spend three and four times as much time as I do playing games. I think many times it’s a way to fulfill a need of just something to do.

I’m, in no way, trying to say spending a little time playing video games is wrong. There are certain games, movies, and music (all entertainment) that I do believe is wrong or can be wrong. I’ve wrote several things about my thoughts on those here.

I’ve been thinking a little bit tonight. I think often times pushes us away from Christ. From a military standpoint, I believe this would be a good idea for an enemy. If there is a way to preoccupy the opposing foe with fun and enjoyment, it will both blind and weaken the enemy. If this enemy is blind to the army all around it that is about to overtake it, it cannot fight (blinded). It cannot attempt to fight if it’s not trained (weakened). It’s a great strategy, and is used in diversions – where the opposing side brings a small force to the diversion front, but then surprise attacks from another direction.

In the same way, I believe, we can be – and are being – blinded and weakened. We spend time entertaining ourselves, while not realizing there’s an enemy at our doorstep. We are weakened by not knowing the Word of God. I think we’re all guilty, and no one can ever fully be prepared. However, we can prepare. We all cave in to sin at times even though we don’t want to, but even so God has given us everything we need for life and Godliness.

Do I know all of the Bible? Of course not. I dislike, and think I’m horrible, at memorization, and honestly take less time than I should at trying to memorize. I still need work in areas. There’s obvious things we can do though, such as limiting our time on the computer, watching TV, and just wasting time with stuff that doesn’t matter ten minutes from that point. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that I need to get more serious. It’s not always easy going through stuff alone. Sometimes it feels like I’m alone, but I know that I’m not alone. There’s always going to be valleys and trials, those are always the times where faith is decided. And we must go through those valleys, because those are the times where character is built.

To sum it all up, we need more of Jesus, less of us. More love for Christ and others, less self-love. There’s a real enemy out there. We, myself included, need to wake up. What are we going to be committed to?

The New Years Resolution?

Last year I made “A New Years Resolution?” I guess I half kept some of them, and didn’t others. Some of them were a bit narrow minded thinking and I’ve only in the past few months, weeks, and days found that out. There are a few I succeeded in, and also a few I didn’t. I believe I speak a bit more now, and I’m a little more free in my worship to God. The places I kind of slacked up was the finish reading the Bible part. I’m not sure if I’ve finished it or not, actually, because I skip all over the place — but that’s not really the point anyway. I want God’s word to come alive inside of me like never before. I want to see the beauty of God, and behold the purity, holiness, and awesomeness of God.

The other one I “failed” was what I’m glad I failed in. I don’t want any relationship that will hinder God’s work in my life. In the same way, I also don’t want to push things into being when God has a perfect plan. Abram tried to make God’s will happen — it’s a lesson I need to learn. I don’t want any sort of relationship until I’m refined and made into the person God wants me to be. If something comes, then it comes. I like how I heard someone put it on a podcast I listen to: if while you’re running after God you find someone running alongside you, then you never know a relationship may come out of it. I’m willing to wait for someone who God’s placed there, and not someone I just “want” or “wish” to be there. If God has me to walk in the wilderness alone for a while, there’s no other place I’d rather be.

The thing that I’ve been learning lately is just the beauty of God and that God’s love for us is exponentially great, no matter where I’ve been or what I’ve done.

How we’ve put science into explaining the things God has made, while completely discrediting the creator of those things … So many times I completely forget the greatness of God. He’s King above all kings, Alpha and Omega, Beginning and the End, the Savior, the Holy One, Creator, Healer …

So my Resolution this year, 2007?

I want to be closer to the lover of my soul: the one who loves me more than I could ever know, understand, or imagine. The thing I want most is this. A deeper passion, longing, and desire for the Holy One. The one of perfect purity, holiness. That’s just the deepest part of who I am, who I want to be, and who I’m becoming. I don’t want any part of my life to reflect anyone or anything other than Christ.

Behold His Majesty, the King of every king!
Glorious God, You are Glorious God
He walks on wind and sea, creation joins to sing
Glorious God, You are Glorious God

Waves crash in honor of You
Skies break to make way for You
Worship our Glorious, worship our Glorious

Mountains bow down at Your throne
Valleys rise up to adore
Worship our Glorious, worship our Glorious

Saints who’ve been captured by grace
Rise up as one, take your place
And worship our Glorious, worship our Glorious God

You are Glorious God, You are Glorious God
You are Glorious God, You are Glorious God

Glorious God (words by Jon Egan)

He’s glorious, the King of every king! He’s wonderful, beautiful, glorious, matchless in EVERY WAY. Nothing can compare the greatness of our God. The light that outshines all light, the author of creation. Our God reigns. He’s matchless in every way, nothing even comes close in comparison to the greatness of our God. Everything fails in comparison.

Everything Else Fades AwayThat’s my only resolution. It’s all that matters, everything else just fades away. I’m not sure where I got this image, but it sums up just about everything, I think. Jesus Christ for Life. Everything else fades away.

Psalm 97

I’ve heard this scripture in a song (I believe by Delirious) quite a good time ago and since I’ve heard it, I’ve loved it.  Anyway, here’s the Psalm.

The LORD reigns, let the earth be glad;
       let the distant shores rejoice.

Clouds and thick darkness surround him;
       righteousness and justice are the foundation of his throne.

Fire goes before him
       and consumes his foes on every side.

His lightning lights up the world;
       the earth sees and trembles.

The mountains melt like wax before the LORD,
       before the Lord of all the earth.

The heavens proclaim his righteousness,
       and all the peoples see his glory.

All who worship images are put to shame,
       those who boast in idols—
       worship him, all you gods!

Zion hears and rejoices
       and the villages of Judah are glad
       because of your judgments, O LORD.

For you, O LORD, are the Most High over all the earth;
       you are exalted far above all gods.

Let those who love the LORD hate evil,
       for he guards the lives of his faithful ones
       and delivers them from the hand of the wicked.

Light is shed upon the righteous
       and joy on the upright in heart.

Rejoice in the LORD, you who are righteous,
       and praise his holy name.

—Psalm 97 (NIV)

My favorite line is verse 2, “Clouds and thick darkness surround him; righteousness and justice are the foundation of his throne.