Thoughts and Questions

I’ve not posted much in the past month or so, and I guess I may offer a little explanation here.

Lately it has seemed like there’s a struggle for me to trust God.  I think I’ve always been a pretty trusting person (with anyone and everyone), but maybe not with God.  Often times I just take someone’s word for things, and trust that they’ll follow thru with what they say.  Most of the time it works out that way.  There’s been a few times it hasn’t, though.  Anyway, I wanted to share that first.

Several weeks ago one of my friends, Catherine, asked me what was one thing I wanted to see before I died.  I’m not sure why I was so quick, because normally I would hesitate over a question like that.  This time I didn’t.  I told her that I would like to see my prayers answered.  I wasn’t talking about the selfish “I want a friend” prayers, I meant the ones I’ve prayed over this city.  If there’s one thing I want to see, that’s it.  I remember many months ago praying over each and every person in my graduating yearbook (all the classes and teachers).  What I want to see is each of them see God and his Holiness fully.  Not “church” and not “religion”.  God.  Maybe that’s a selfish want, but I think it’s my only want — sometimes the only thing I live for.

Now, lately I’ve been doubting God.  Not who he is, but just that he’s in control.  This can be combined with what I talked about first; however, this is a little different because it’s more like the “give up faith (Christianity)” type doubts.  Some are even just leave the church I’m in (I like my church).

I’ve been evaluating my negativity on things.  Perhaps this ties in with the amount of news I used to take in.  Maybe it’s just generational.  I’m not sure.  But I’ve been evaluating it, but haven’t changed much I don’t think.  I want to be positive though.  I guess when I think positive, it sometimes seems to worst happens.  That’s kind of a positive negative though?

I try not to get as caught up in the news anymore.  I remember a few months ago on Fox News Channel, all I saw was mudslinging (by the left) and avoiding of the questions (from the right).  It made me sick, and I don’t think I’ve watched an hour of news since then.  I still like to see what’s going on, though.  I’ve also found out that if I want unbiased news, the best place to look is at the raw data.  Media write ups sometimes distort the truth.  If I’ve lost faith in anything, it’s unbiased news.  Also, never look for anything warm hearted in the news.  If they aren’t mudslinging, then it’s not going to be on the news most of the time.  Not all news is bad, but getting too caught up in it can be bad.

Along those same lines, I’m disgusted by how people suddenly switch sides when they lose.  I’ve heard lately that “Republicans left values voters”, and are now praising Democrats when just a few weeks ago they were touting Republican values.  It makes me sick.  It’s like a guy hoping his team wins, but when they lose they go buy the other teams jersey so people won’t look at them and pick on him because his team lost.  I don’t want to get too political this time, but I’m still a straight ticket-Republican, and unless they became John McCainish, I’ll hope to remain that way until the day I die.  The innocent souls that have been murdered by abortion still cry out.  Another day without justice.

Next, the Old Testament.  Maybe I’m just reading a little too hard, but most of the “old law” is in the Torah (the first five books of the Bible).  Now, I fully understand the characters in each of the Old Testament books were under the old law, I do not get where people think that God somehow changed between then and now.  I’ve saw it often lately, if something is quoted from the Old Testament, everyone wants to get on the bandwagon of “that’s the old law, it doesn’t apply to us”.  If there’s one reason why we are where we are today, this might be it.

I think some of the best parts of the Old Testament are 1st and 2nd Samuel and 1st and 2nd Kings.  I don’t think you can fully understand who God is without reading those four books.  There are so many different themes there, for example about how to fear God, have a heart like God, and the list can go on.  The New Testament fully agrees with the Old.

When God left and rejected Saul, why did he do that?  He called and appointed Saul to his position.  Why did David have a heart of God, yet he went and committed adultery and (to an extent) turned his back on God for a year?  Saul pursued God at the beginning, yet when God rejected him he had disobeyed God countless times (in a sense, rejecting God).  Did Saul do wrong the entire time?  Of course not, God appointed him there.  I believe he wasn’t sincere in his repentance, while David was.  That’s why David was a man after God’s own Heart.

Why did David kill the man who said he killed Saul?  Because Saul was God’s appointed leader.  David had a reverent Fear of God.  He even had chances to kill Saul, but refused to do so because Saul was God’s appointed leader.  God put him there, and David would not speak evil of Saul.  This still applies today.  There have been several different men of God that’s been in the news over the many years, and I always try to be careful not to speak evil of any of them — even if I don’t agree with what they do.  God could have appointed them, but just like Saul, they could have became corrupt.

I remember a few years ago I went to a church and I didn’t feel right there.  I went a time or two and just didn’t feel right.  However, I went one Sunday and I did feel right.  It was different speakers each times.  I remember telling my mom I didn’t feel right about it, and she later told me she felt the same way.  Now, I passed by where the church was a year or so later and the place was gone.  My mom pointed it out, and the person with us asked about it and I said the church was wrong.  Almost instantly, I knew I was wrong (and my mom pointed out the wrong too).  While the church may have had a false teacher, that didn’t make the people or the other leaders ungodly, nor did it mean that they were not appointed by God.

There are also ways to approach people like this.  For this look at Samuel, who was obviously in constant communication with God.  Did Samuel go and discuss it with his friends (and thus the world) and say “this man is ungodly”?  No, actually he told David he was to be the next King of Israel.  I think we should be very cautious in this.  Like the man who said he killed Saul, you may also die.

Anyway, there’s just a few things that’s been going on lately that’s been heavy on my heart and mind … and some of the reason why I’ve not blogged much lately …


It’s been a few weeks since I’ve updated.  I’ll try to recap a few things and not make this too long …

Registration for spring semester starts Tuesday.  I called to see how I could change my major, and I’ve got to fill out a form.  Right now I’m thinking about changing it to Information Systems.  It’s sounds more like what I’m interested in.  I don’t care for this math major I have now.  I’ll update on how that goes later …

After the major change, I’ll need to see a new advisor and figure out the classes I need to take next semester.

I’ve thought about many things lately.  And learned a bit too.  Or I am learning …

All this stuff I’m doing in school seems down right senseless and useless.  That’s probably one of the things I’m learning thought.  I love all my classes (minus the computer one; math goes by so quick it frustrates me to want to give up).  The literature class is interesting with all the history.  I’ll be thoroughly surprised if I ever need the Shakespeare and Chaucer, though.  Biology is so-so.  All it is is note taking.  I can’t hardly read the instructors cursive though.  Biology lab is all right.  I think I have the smallest group with only one other person.  Sometimes we have to combine, and some of the others we combine with are lazy in answering the questions.  It bugs me.  More work for us later.  The computer one is ultra-boredom.  The way I’ve heard others talk about the class, they aren’t doing good — makes me feel bad (as I don’t even listen to lectures or read anything and get good test-grades).  I guess that’s how people who excel in literature feel when I get the low grade.  Maybe.  Math is just frustrating.

Last Wednesday, Tim got a new server.  Not much downtime.  It was better than the previous server moves.  This site’s speed is so much better than it used to be.

I guess that’s my update for now … I want to post about other things, but I’ve not come to full understanding of them yet.

Comatose, Crossfire, and Set Me Free

The new Skillet album, Comatose, is out.  It’s awesome.  Here’s a sample of the song Comatose (this and Better than Drugs is my favorites off of the new CD).

I hate living without you
Dead wrong to ever doubt you
But my demons lay in waiting
Tempting me away
Oh how I adore you
Oh how I thirst for you
Oh how I need you

Comatose (Skillet)

Another new album that came out last week was Pillar’s The Reckoning.  Crossfire has some of my favorite lyrics in it.

I would take death before I deny you
I would cheat death just to stand by you
I would fear death if I couldn’t see you
I would take death before I deny you
Death before deny

Crossfire (Pillar)

Two great new CD’s.  They’ve been playing almost non-stop since I got them.   Casting Crowns released another live CD last Tuesday, too.  It’s been on my list as well.  Set Me Free is one of my favorite songs now.  Out of all the music I listen to, Casting Crowns is one of my favorites (mainly because they’re singing about being The Body of Christ).  So, I must also put part of their lyrics up.

As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my eyes
And darkness cannot hide

Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains
I hold the key
All power on Heav’n and Earth belong to me

You are Free

Set Me Free (Casting Crowns)

So there’s a few things I’ve been checking out and listening to here lately.  There’s been a lot of other great CD’s released lately, but posting about them all would just lead to pure boredom. and E-Blah Updates

I’m attempting to restart  I’ve redone the layout and plan to try to move it to a new location on the server, and then advertise it.  It never really kicked off, but I think there’s much potential in it if we have some good, solid advertising.  I’ve just let Tim know of the changes, though.  I’m a part owner in the site with Tim.  The site’s not doing anything just sitting there (although it does host church messages).  That was my original idea for a site, and Tim wanted to start a ministry related site, so that’s where it came up.  I’ve saw a few other sites pop up offering church message hosting now — only they have better advertising.  I’m horrible at advertising though, so it’s hard to get a good site started.  They may have potential, but it’s harder to get them actually motivated.

Needless to say, if anyone wants to help spread the word or just check it out, head over to the Forums.


I released another version of E-Blah on Friday.  So far response has been quite well — much better than the release back in August.  I’m trying to shoot for a new release every month until the start of next year.  If I make those dates is anybodies guess.  I guess there’s not much to update, other than that I’m pretty happy with how things are going.  I just wish there was more advertising behind it.


College and the importance thereof.  Or not.

Why is it that you go to school for half of your life, then you go back to school (college) for another half of your life to learn about crap you could really care less about?  On top of that, half of it is useless, time consuming items that could be well spent doing something else.  This is just part of the confusions and frustrations I’ve been dealing with the past few days.

Over the past several years, I’ve been pretty good at computers.  They come naturally to me.  I’m not good with all aspects of computing, of course, but I can manage to do just about what basic book sense professionals can do (only in about one-fifth of the amount of time it’d take them to run through their book-sense procedures).  I’m just stating the facts of life and how I’ve seen it played out at work and other jobs I’ve done online and such.  If I can’t figure something out I’ll spend literally hours trying to figure it out.  Normally I’ll either do exactly what I wanted to do, or make a work around that would do what I wanted it to do (such as with things I don’t know much about: databases and *nix-based operating systems).

Anyway, I say all that because I’m downright bored with college.  All I’m learning about is how to write a several page essay paper on something I could care less about reading, much less responding to or do research and then respond to an essay.  However, with that said, I do like reading and writing.  I don’t even mind the occasional two-page analytical essay about something I read.  What I do not like is writing several of them per class, not having a clear example of how to write it (to that instructors specifications), and ones requiring me to write pages and pages on end about something that could have been expressed in one to two pages — tops.

Next is math.  I love math.  The thing I don’t like about it is learning the specific formulas and then being taught something in 45 minutes, which should have taken at least 3 hours to discuss.  I don’t learn by watching and doing later.  I learn by watching, trying to do it in class, and then seeing where I screwed up, so I can go back and make the needed corrections.

Technically, the only way I know I may be able to get an okay job is to put up with this nonsense for another few years.  I’m not sure that I’ll get a good job then though.  I’ve seriously been considering going through the process of changing my major here lately too.  I like programming, but I like doing it alone (in other words, I hate looking at others code and hacking it).  I like server and database administration.  I like web-based computing (as that’s really what all of my experience thus far has been in).

The dream I have with a career involves a little bit of computers and a little bit of church.  I want to be involved in the church someway.  I also want to be involved in this community in someway.  I wish something could come up where I could work around here — contract — with various computer needs of local area businesses.  There must be someone that needs some help, somehow.  I really don’t know how to do that though.  Advertising is not my speciality.  Not in the least.

It often seems that the hope I have for that is just utterly hopeless.  I’m not sure anyone really thinks it can happen.  It might be true.  I’m trying to trust God.  I’m just worried about not passing my core classes …

… and that’s rarely ever a joyful place to be.

Quick Little Overview

The past two weeks have been good.  The only bad parts are the sections where I have to think about school.

I’m starting to get tired of it.  Tuesdays and Thursdays are the note days.  I hate them.  Calculus 1 looks interesting, I’m just not sure I fully get it.  I do get some of it, but some of it seems to go right over my head.  If I can’t figure something out, I’m get frustrated and just would rather not see it anymore.  He did a review Monday, and so I learned a good bit then (after the one and a half hour mark, you get tired of hearing math, too).  The test tomorrow should be interesting.

Biology.  I think my essay on global warming may go in direct opposition to his beliefs.  I hope he doesn’t count off for that.  We’ll see.  October 10th.

British Literature.  Love the class, hate the essays.  I’ve only done one, and I’ve got to say, I’m going to hate doing the rest of them.  Especially the research one.  He’s a great teacher.  I do hope he teaches us how he wants the essay papers, though.  He’s A+ on the literature side.  That doesn’t happen often.

Biology Lab?  Okay class, kind of pointless at times, but it’s okay.  Probably the only interaction I ever get with people during the day.  People don’t really talk to others at AUM.  Why?  No clue.

The class that’s just a “computer basics” class.  Well, let’s not even go there.  Boring.

Anywho.  I’ve been thinking more lately about things.  I’ll post those sometime later.  I’ll give a brief run down now, I guess …

I’ve been listening to stuff from my previous church (NLC), new church (LWWC), and just various in-betweens (ex: the radio) here lately.  I’ve been getting a lot out of those things too.  My church: brokenness and greatness.  I’ve been learning a lot out of New Life because of their many different services, some of them is: big ideas, stop looking at past spiritual experiences and look to today (I really needed this!), greatness, etc.  A few of them also went hand in hand with what my pastor (Pastor Chris) has been talking about.  All around the same time period too!  Family Life Today on Monday (and though this week, I hear) has been speaking with Tim Kimmel about his book on raising kids for true greatness.  I honestly can’t explain it near as good as he does, but in a few works: celebrate the things kids to for God as much (if not more) than they do at school, work, etc.  God is eternal, those are temporary.  Just a few pointers for myself when I have a kid or two.

That’s all for tonight.  I want to squeeze in another podcast before bed, if I can.

The Runaway

It was a cold, dark night.  Darker than most.  The streets were empty.  In front of the church stood a man.  He stood there, looking passionately ahead at the small building.  There was a whisper, faint.  As rain started to fall, he let out a sigh and walked away.  The church looked so distant.  As if standing a mile away, yet being only a few yards.  This was it.  This was the end.  Enough.

Years ago he had seen the miracles.  Years ago he had been passionate for God.  Years ago he had chased after God.  Years ago he saw God move in his city, in his church, and in his life.  Years ago.

These days are different.

The more he sought God, the more hardened he became.  Tired.  He was tired of seeking God with no feeling of return.  Where was God when his father died?  Where was God when he lost everything?  Where was God?

It never started out this way.  He was passionate.  People looked at him with shock.  He was what the world saw as “radical”.  He chased after God with his whole being.  A missionary, one with raw zeal for God.  The words flowed from his lips as he recited entire chapters of the Word.  That was when there was joy.  Hope.  Life.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way.  No, he was supposed to be that missionary.  He was supposed to be that man.  Supposed to be.  The troubles of life consumed him.  The others were saying, “there is no God”.  It’s all chance.  The Living Book has become his item of distrust.  “There’s no way it’s true,” he now says.

He’s not forgotten.  He’s still got the passion he had, but it’s slowly fading away.  Things are going great now, he tells himself.  He believes what he’s told now.  “These secular teachers speak the truth,” he now says.

The rain is pouring down now.  As he pulls out of the parking lot of the church, he feels satisfied.  That’s what he’ll tell everyone, anyway.  The truth of it all is that he’s dead.  Bitter.  Broken.  Completely empty.  Blinded.  Blinded by the lies.  He’s still okay.  He laughs a little.  It hides the pain that he just can’t show.  He won’t show.  He knows where he needs to be, he’s seen the power.  He can’t deny it within; only publicly.  Lost.  So very lost.  He ran away.  Away from the loving arms of Christ.  God’s calling out to him: he’s got to decide.  Recommit or die; there’s no time left.  He makes the choice.

Ok, so I decided to post a bit different tonight.  A little story of sorts, with some truth behind it.  It’s about something that’s been on my mind that I really don’t have any other way to write it out, other than how I just did.  I’m not that great of a story teller either (and really, I shift tenses like crazy), but that’s not the point.  The idea behind everything may not make sense to some, but I hope it speaks to someone (because I know there’s someone that’s bound to get something out of it).  Oh, and this isn’t anything describing me; nor is it a complete story or is it based on anything proven to be true.  This is why the story is open ended.

As for my ending?

But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.

—Psalm 71:14 NIV