What am I Learning?

I am thankful, so thankful, that God runs after me; that he pursues me with his love!  I know only a small miniscule amount of his immense love for me. If I fully could understand and comprehend it, it would be too great for me to stand. I think one of the more noticeable things that God is teaching me, is just how he loves me. Recently I read “When Heaven Weeps”, and it spoke to me more than I could have possibly imagined about how great His love really is. It has been a week since I finished the book now, and I am still trying to comprehend everything that was conveyed in the book. Along with that, I have heard sermons on the same subject. This isn’t all I have been learning, though.

Are you amazed? Am I amazed, that was the question on Easter. Are you amazed? I am amazed at God’s greatness, at his creation, at his majestic show of beauty. I look at his beautiful creation and I just give God thanks and praise. He shows his holiness through His creation. It is greater than I can even comprehend.

I’ve fallen in love with Psalm 19, which is broken up into three specific parts. My Bible’s notes say the following (which sums it up better than I can put it):

As God reveals himself through nature (19:1-6), we learn about his power and our finiteness. As God reveals himself through Scripture (19:7-11), we learn about his holiness and our sinfulness. As God reveals himself through daily experiences (19:12-14), we learn about his gracious forgiveness that frees us from guilt. (Life Application Study Bible NLT, Psalm 19 note)

I’ve committed myself to memorizing Psalm 19. The last verse (19:14) is my prayer, “May the words of my mouth, and the meditations of my heart / be pleasing to you, Oh Lord my rock and my redeemer”. Or, as the Amplified says: “my firm, impenetrable rock and my redeemer”. So to borrow from Sunday, are you amazed?

The Love Letter

There was a dimly lit light that made reading difficult, but manageable. It had been two months since it happened. How long must life go on like this? Alone. You’re completely alone. There had been a time of joy, but that was before it happened. It was a struggle now. A lonely struggle. He knows he isn’t alone. Yes, you are very alone. He struggles to understand. You are worthless. He knows he is valuable, loved completely. He reads the words on the pages but says it cannot happen. You are insignificant, of no use. He keeps reading. He remembers the night it happened. He recalls it vividly. The words are so brilliantly written on these pages. He hates you. He finds the words he was searching for. He reads the love letter. He scans it over and over. The love letter. He hates you! He falls to his knees. He’ll never accept you. He’ll never love you. He cries out. “Save me, please save me! I’m sorry, so very sorry.” He’ll never accept you. He cries out again. The lies fade away. Fade quickly away. I love you completely. I died for you. I forgive you. The one in the love letter was speaking! “I love you.” He continues to read. He finds life. New life. I love you, I ransomed you. You are mine. New life.

This would be something I quickly wrote. It’s just some things that were on my mind and almost completely random. Or were they.

Whom have I in Heaven but You?

There’s an awesome Psalm that I might write more about later (along with Psalm 19, because it’s one of my favorites right now) …

This is Psalm 73, a Psalm of Asaph. Asaph had started “envying the proud when he saw them prospering despite their wickedness” (Psalm 73:3 NLT).  I’m not about to post the entire Psalm, as it’s not sort, but here’s the part I love — he realizes how “my health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever” (Psalm 73:26 NLT).  Here’s Psalm 73:20-26 NLT.

When you arise, O Lord,
      you will laugh at their silly ideas
      as a person laughs at dreams in the morning.

Then I realized that my heart was bitter,
      and I was all torn up inside.
I was so foolish and ignorant—
      I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
Yet I still belong to you;
      you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
      leading me to a glorious destiny.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
      I desire you more than anything on earth.
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
      but God remains the strength of my heart;
      he is mine forever.

Whom in heaven have I but you, God?  I desire you more than anything on earth.  As the Amplified version says, “I have no delight or desire on earth besides You.”  This should be our prayer.  And as the New King James says, “My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

Before I close this, I probably should mention a little more about this.  I read this Psalm because I had heard a message on a podcast recently.  I liked it then and had it book marked, but while I was sick a few weeks ago, I heard a song by BarlowGirl come on ChristianPowerPraise.net which is Psalm 73 (My God’s Enough).  It’s a great song, and I recommend it.

Confused Frustrations

I’ll try to skip the usual “it’s been a long time since I last posted” spill, and get straight to the point this time.

So many things are just frustrating and confusing me.  I see this and that and I push to do what is right, but there’s times where I just feel worn out.  It’s been almost five years and I have no one to confide in here.  I’m not wanting sympathy, partly because I think this is somewhat of a phase in life anyway.  If I have to stay in the wilderness (as it often appears) for the next 20 years to move to where God has for me, then I’d rather stay there.  What makes it frustrating is when some things look lost.  I don’t want to move until God tells me to move.  It’s discouraging sometimes looking at where others are and feeling there’s no hope to get even close to where they are.  I know there’s hope though.  There’s always hope.

In the mean time, I’ve been listening to my pastor at church and many different podcasts.  If it weren’t for podcasting, I don’t know where I’d be.  Lately I’ve been listening to theMill, Desperation, _tag, and the onething podcasts.


“Relief from or removal of a mental complex” or the “loss or reduction of sensitivity to infection or an allergen accomplished by means of frequent, small doses of the antigen” — the definition of desensitization. There is so much I could express and say tonight and I am deeply overcome. I cannot express even a fraction of what is on my mind. I try to push myself to accept things sometimes, but I cannot any longer. I feel alone – I am alone. I would rather be alone than compromise. There is a psychological term called desensitization that is incredibly interesting. I may not fully understand it, but gradually moving someone closer to something they fear with something positive at the same time can cause them to no longer be afraid of it. What I find interesting, is the same tactic is in use with sin – each year it goes a little further, each year what was once feared is now gradually more accepted. What was once feared and unacceptable is now acceptable. What was once dirty is now clean and okay. It’s not okay. I must protect every part of my life, and it is a battle – especially when it appears (though it is highly distorted) I’m the only one running.  Read 1 Kings 19.


These past few weeks have been … just different.  I feel I’m learning more now than I have in a while — and school has nothing to do with it.  I’ll just run down a few things I’ve been going through lately.

Someone told me something about how things were going with them, and I shared some of what going on with me.  I learned something though that conversation though, and that is that sometimes what we see in others really isn’t bad, but rather good — even when it appears horrible or hopeless.  I have no idea where God has them or me.  He may have me somewhere all alone for many years, yet if I were to pass that time up and run after my own desires nothing that God had for me to do could be accomplished (or it could, it would just probably take a lot longer and a lot more heartache).  Strangely enough, I’ve been thinking about this for the past few days and was awakened at 6:19 (I set my alarm clock weird) by a radio program, which I don’t regularly listen to (time: obviously). The speaker was talking about Joseph and how the time he had been in prison helped build his character. On another note, he mentioned he didn’t complain either. I may have missed the entire point he was trying to make (as I only heard around five minutes of it), but that was just what I needed to hear. That said, I’ve heard it before already at my church …

I said school wasn’t one, but it’s strange because three of my classes are all different, yet they’re all talking about the same thing in different ways (sometimes).  The thing I am picking up most is the economic side of things, which is quite interesting.  This is just a side note though…

Basically everything I’ve listened to lately all agrees with each other (all they all come from all over the place). I watched a movie last night that taught me a lot about how to live life – selfless. There’s just a lot of things that just been going on, and I’m just praying that I stop trying to figure it all out, and just step back and let God do what he wants to do. The more knowledge I have, the more useless I am – if that’s all I have. The more I try to figure things out, the more I see there are some things that aren’t meant to be figured out by my own human wisdom. It’s frustrating sometimes, no doubt, but it’s the only way to go. As much as I wish I’m over all of what I’ve been hearing, I’m not. So, I’m learning …

Criticism and Judgement

The American Heritage Dictionary states that criticism is “a critical comment or judgment” and it is “the act of criticizing, especially adversely” (Answers.com). So perhaps I’m an expert on criticism. It’s great being able to look at something or someone and point out all of its flaws. How much harder it is to actually point out its unique beauty and character?

Several days ago I was listening to someone speak on fasting, and some of the things you can fast from (because fasting can also mean “a period of refrain”). While I wasn’t as focused on what exactly was being said, I found something that stuck out to me: you can refrain from criticism for a period of time. Now, I love to point out people’s flaws so refraining from criticism can’t be easy. I mean, look at how people park in a parking lot! Just plain bad sometimes. But what if there was a reason for it? Sure, the parking may still be bad, but what if the reason they parked so “bad” was because of some external reason, say perhaps there was a buggy in their way?

I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and I’ve started just telling myself “don’t criticize” when I feel so inclined to do so. I’m good at judging people before I know them a lot of times. I don’t know exactly why I feel inclined to point out others faults, especially when I’m no better than they are, sometimes more so than others. I remember a few days ago when I said something about how someone could be put in jail for a specific action they did – all the while not thinking that I could be found guilty of the same thing. When I look at people, I no longer what to think or see the “wrong” they may be in. I want to love them. Love never fails.

So this is what I’ve been learning lately. I’m not near the end of the tunnel, and I don’t see myself as “fasting” criticism, but rather trying to escape it. How can I really judge others, condemning them, while I myself am just as guilty of the same sins they are? Jesus said that if we lust after someone we’ve already committed adultery in our hearts. In the same way, if I judge someone for doing something that I have only acted upon in my mind, how much different is it? I committed the same sin, yet I judge the other person for acting upon it. I don’t ever want to do that, yet I have before and I still do. I think it’s something that we as a body of believers should long to be free of, not just because it may be a “noble” thing to do, but because it’s the Biblical thing to do.