Further From Myself

Ok, so it’s been a few days since my last post. I know everyones just dying to know what’s been going on in the wild and exciting life of Justin ….. who just sits at his computer all day. Well, these past few days have been really just to put it lightly, not the best. The past week I’ve felt like a zombie going here and there, just following the motions of everyday’dom, not really doing anything new. Sometimes I just take a step back and see where I wish I was and it sets me back a little. I want so much to be everything God has called me to be, yet it’s like I’m just sitting here idle accomplishing nothing, and when I want to accomplish something I don’t take the initiative and go for it. Life’s not bad, I really have nothing to complain about. Yet and so, there’s this part of me that feels like it’s dying. That’s not what scares me though … what scares me is what if it’s true. I’m not quite sure how to explain it. It’s like a “dry” time, but it’s not dry. It’s like a war but it didn’t just start. I just can’t explain and put to words exactly what’s going through my head right now at the present.

I so much want to be further from myself. However, it seems like sometimes the further I am from myself, the further I am from people. That can be good sometimes. Not all the time though. Something I need to work on is being more optimistic. I’m pessemistic so many times on so many things. I didn’t used to be that way though. I really don’t know why I am now.

Moving on to another topic … Age of Empires III. I downloaded the demo today, and what can I say? It’s the best game I’ve played in quite a while … quite a while. It’s going to be $50 when it comes out though, so that might just deter me from buying it right away. However, the demo made it look extremely well made.

There’s nothing much more to say for the night …

Sleeeepless Nights

Long nights and early mornings. My life in a nutshell here lately. It’s not that bad, but on a day like tomorrow when there’s this boring class I have, it’s not a good combination. I kind of fall asleep.

Work has been all right. I didn’t mind it, it’s just diffrent. School, on the other hand, has been pretty decent. I’ve made my first two grades thus far … they are essays. I got A’s on both of them, so I’m happy.

It’s 10:52 PM right now … last night I was up until 1:00AM or so. It’s been a long time since I actually wrote in here, I suppose I should write something, but right now I’m not really having much come to mind. I’m going to try to get in the bed by 11PM, but know that won’t happen. I just remembered … I have to finish revising my essay.

Made It!

I’ll try to post things pretty often, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to … more to come … later.

How Much

I went to bed last night at around 2:00AM, so when I got up this morning I was very tired. I probably took a nap today at around 3:00 or so, and got up at around 5:40 or so. Now I’m not incredibly tired, but I probably should get in the bed now either way, but that’s beyond the point.

I listened to a teaching from New Life Church tonight, and a question was asked to this effect: do you want to get rid of all sin in your life, even if it means getting rid of everything you currently enjoy (even stepping outside of your comfort zone)? That can be a difficult question for some people, even myself. Do I have a “pet” sin in my life that I keep to myself and maybe don’t even realize it’s there? If I do, will I be willing to clean it out right away, or will I hold on to it because it’s something I consider “natural”. I know in the past I’ve found things I’ve held on to, and didn’t want to get rid of. Some of these took more than a few minutes to get rid of. I’ll explain one now.

I like music, I really enjoy it. It costs money though. I used to download it all the time (illegaly), but I’ve since been convicted of it — probably about 4 or 5 years ago, actually. I remember seeing it as being very wrong, but I used reasons to justify it (don’t we all use excuses to justify sin). I had tons and tons of music. I would spend hours and hours just downloading anything I could find. When I got rid of it, it wasn’t the easiest thing I’d ever done, but I felt better about it. I got rid of everything I had (except the CD’s I had bought and ripped for my own personal use). I’ve probably not used any P2P file sharing application in about a year now, although it has appeared on my network and I promptly removed it and blocked it. Recently I’ve been convicted of copying other materials, and I’ve had to get rid of them. It’s not the easiest thing, but it’s the legal thing. I now pay for everything I get. If I don’t have the money — I don’t get it. I’m not going to do the “I’ll buy it when I have the money”, we all know that we’ll never actually buy the CD, we’re just using it as an excuse. I, normally, use iTunes to buy my music, although I’ve also used Wal-Mart downloads and ChristianDiscs.com, which are two fine places. There are tons of artists websites that have free music downloads. I have a little over 3,000 tunes — all legal.

I use that to show a sin I was holding onto and didn’t want to let go of. There are other things I’ve had to let go of, and not all of the time is it easy to let go of. Getting back to the question: I want to get rid of anything, no matter what the cost to me. Some things might not can be brought up (or can be seen) unless I get into deep prayer and fasting, but that’s little when it comes to knowing Christ. Christ wants us to not have any hint of impurity in our lives, it can get between us and God. I want to see this generation on their faces before God crying and screaming out to God. God is our only hope.

Three Days

Three days have went by since I last posted a journal entry. Three days until we’re leaving for Colorado. I have to keep myself in the know about that.

Moving right along. I’ve not been doing much for the past few days. Today I didn’t do too much. I had to get out of the house for a few minutes, so I went to McDonalds and got me something to eat, then swung over to DQ and got me a Moolattรƒยฉ. It was kind of weird though when I went to DQ though. That’s another story though.

I went and bought two new CD’s by Plumb (Best of Plumb and Beautiful Lumps of Coal). They are both pretty good CD’s. I’ve always liked Plumb, she’s one of the best Christian rockers, in my opinion.

Last night we went to Ashland, Alabama last night (and got home at around 1:30 this morning) for a purity thing. It was pretty good. I stayed with the “adult” group, and I think it was good. I observed a lot (umm, I don’t really know a time I haven’t observed), and learned a little. Ether way some of the stuff that was said is, indeed, very sad. The parents had some really good points though, and I enjoyed listening to them talk about everything.

Actually, last night the speaker at the end (where teenagers and adults were joined together) asked if someone felt like they were the only ones serving God, and wanted to find a friend that has a passion for God like they did, and that was exactly what I’ve been wanting for the past 3 years. It seems, sometimes, that there isn’t anyone around here that really loves Christ, and follows him. While that’s probably obvious in most other parts of our country, it’s just killing me. I still believe though, I still believe I’ll get a friend that Christ has sent my way …

There was a comment about my previous post on who I’m looking for in a wife. Basically what was said was that it’s impossible to find a girl, yet alone a wife like that. I’m not going to satisfy for anything less than what I have listed there. I have a few other things I also add to that list, but they are personal and between me and God only. Really, I’m glad it seems impossible. I don’t want another relationship with just some girl that’ll only let me down. I asked God, and I know he’ll give me the impossible (and so much better than what I ever dreamed of). I don’t care about what her past is. Christ is awesome, and I know that one day I’ll be married, Lord willing, to the love of my life that Christ, not me, has put there. God has someone for me, and so does the enemy: I don’t want anything of what the enemy has for me in a girl anymore.

I was thinking, I haven’t went hiking in years. I miss going up in the mountains of Colorado and hiking, fishing, and camping out in the mountains. I used to love that as a kid. I’ve probably not been since I was 13 or less. I grew more of the indoor type in middle school, I guess, and haven’t been an outdoors type of person for a while. I wish I could go hiking though one of these days, I miss that.

There’s a song called Real on one of these Plumb CD’s. Just thinking of the title, I want to be remembered as someone who was real. I’ve always been up front and straight with people — no matter if they don’t like it (sometimes that could be bad, but normally that’s the best thing).

I am hungry for something that will make me real
Can you see me and
Do you love me cause
I am desperately searching for something real

I think that’s what everyone is really longing for, just to be real. So many people are trying to do things to fit in with others, they’re replacing real with what the world titles “real”. Is it really real though? I have no problem with being real, I love being real. I don’t see how people can do things just to “fit in”, it would require too much work on my part than what it’s really worth.

I just realized that I have one more month until school starts, it’s getting to be less than a month now. It seems like I’ve been out of school for a long time already, and it seems so weird that I won’t be going back to high school anymore. Just very diffrent. I’ll be going Monday thru Thursday, which should be pretty good. I’m hoping I can keep my current intern job while school is in session and just go to work on Fridays (and possibly after school, since I’ll get out at 12:15). I’ve got to go up to the school on Thursday, August 18th, and see about all my classes and all that jazz. I hope I can learn a little that day, but again, I’ll just have to wait and see.

I thought I’d point out that I’ve added my contact (instant messenger) information to the side of my blog under the Author area. That’s just a few updates on my blog area, I guess. ๐Ÿ™‚ Also anyone can register and post comments. On another note, if you register and do not get an e-mail with your password, e-mail me or IM me, and I’ll get your account all setup. With that, I’m closing this post …


Life is but a whisper, but does that mean we have to whisper? Live life loud. I want to be real. As with every post, I’m just going to post whatever comes to my mind and my heart.

Life is but an instance, but yet it can seem so long sometimes. We’re not promised today, nor are we tomorrow. Tomorrow may never come. In as quick an instance as we come from our mothers womb is as quickly as life can be taken away. It’s so sad when I meet people who aren’t really worried about life. Life cound end today — where would we be? Sometimes we “sugar-coat” the place of suffering by saying it’s “the bad place”. There are many bad places here, and compared to hell it’s nothing like the areas we encounter here. I want so desprately to see the people of America turn their hearts towards God. I see so, oh so, many people who go to church that live just like everyone else. So many people claim Christianity (almost 80% do, to be exact), but yet so many act so worldly. I’m not judging them, but aren’t we caled to live to an higher standard? Justifying things we know are wrong just because they “feel” fun … is that really right living? It breaks my heart to see people stray away from the arms of a God who loves them beyond compare.

Investigate my life,
and make me clean

Awesome lyrics by Delirious.

So where do we go from here? After we fall in love with someone, don’t we pursue them? Why don’t we pursue Christ like that? I definatly don’t pursue God like I want, should, or need to. I say I’m bored all the time, yet I never seem to be able to just find that time for Christ. It’s something I need to work on.

Moving right along …

I’ll be going to Colorado Springs, CO at the end of the month. I’ll be leaving on July 27th and I’ll get back on August 2nd. We’re leaving to go to Desperation ’05, it should be awesome. It’s at my old church, New Life, and will last 2 full days, 3 nights. I hope to really just fall in deeper love with Christ while I’m there. The entire time I’m there, I should be at the church, pretty much, so that’ll be just as awesome.

Tomorrow is another work week. I believe I’ll be going into the ghosting area next week, but I’m really not sure where I’ll be at. So far I liked what I did last week the best, I had something to do and all. Last Friday I got my first paycheck I’ve ever got in my life. So that’ll be the start of my college fund, I guess, lol.

I went to bed at 3:00 last night, for some reason. It’s the latest I’ve stayed up … since I don’t know when. I’ve been getting a MySpace account up. I’ve had the account for a while, just never done anything with it (I really hate MySpace, lol). So anyone who wants to can go check it out. ๐Ÿ˜›

It’s that time again … the time of the entry where … I leave.

Short Post

Todays will be short, I think.

Today was a new day (it was?), with new things (eh?), but … fine I stop with the same stuff I say every day.

At work I had to help profile computers. Profiling them is putting them on the domain (chaning the computer name, for instance), and then setting up the users with e-mail (finding their account basically) and getting their calendar in Outlook all setup. It’s easy, takes about 10 to 15 minutes per computer. It may take 30 minutes when you’re into a good part of the movie. Yes, we were watching movies. We watched Scary Movie 3, Wrong Turn, and Bruce Almighty. Were they good? They were decent. Wrong Turn was probably the best, but I hated how much blood and gore was in it. We started watching Any Given Sunday, but after a while I asked the other intern, Cody, what the story really was and he didn’t know … and so I was like, “yeah, every other word is a cuss word”. So we changed to Bruce Almighty. Stupid movie, I’d say. It gave me something to do though.

After I got home I bummed it out. I saw Emma got on and left me a few IM’s at like 12:00 PM today. Too bad I was at work. I looked at hundreds of profiles on MySpace and found … maybe 3 that were interesting to actually read. I think I only found one that didn’t say “Christian – other”, but the bad part about it is … they didn’t act like it in stuff they were saying. *shrug* That’s just how it is I guess. There were a few that I was like woah … awesome people here. I added myself as a friend to a lot of those Christian groups space. Oh, know the sad thing about the “Christian – other” thing is … most probably go to “Protestant” churches. ๐Ÿ˜›

Anywho, it’s time for me to hit the hay. More profiling ahead for tomorrow. ๐Ÿ˜€