Let Go

The end of another day arives like the start of another. The thoughts have ended, the voices are but memory. The music fades, and the begining of another day is planned. Thus begins this entry.

Today was like any other day I suppose, I ate, I slept, I worshipped, and in my free time I went to school and work. Not bad when you think about it. I took a test in American Government today … no idea how well I did on that one. I guess there’s always “see your results Thursday”. Oh, it did help out in that I got off a little earlier at work today. Getting home before 4:45 is always good.

Falling Up will be in concert on Thursday, September 29th. I’m ready for it! I’ve already bought my tickets and now I’m ready to go to it. It’ll be at a church I’ve never been to, Landmark Church of Christ. The Wedding, John Reuben, and a few other artists will also be there … so it’ll be an awesome night.

My Government book is biased towards the left. It’s sad, like 8 out of 15 pictures were of John Kerry while only like 2 were of Bush. Ironically a lot of that chapter I did this little biased look on were on media. Oh, and Fox News wasn’t even mentioned. I should note: this is the 2006 edition. Now is this just something they forgot? I doubt it. They meant to leave it out. I’ve thought about writing a nice essay about it and sending it to the teacher with whichever essay comes next … but I better not. It might be better to “lay low” on the political scale, keeping my facts to myself.

I ordered the TI-89 Titatium from Amazon the other night … UPS has the delivery estimate as being this Thursday. Purhaps I can get it before class, as we’re having a quiz. We’ll see, we’ll see.

As the door was closing, and the light was fading … consciousness left and the only movement was the slow, steady breathing of life.

Life and Love

There comes a day when life and love collide. This should be every day, yet so many times we, as humans, tend to mix love with so many other things. Love isn’t sex and how long you talk to someone. Love isn’t knowing someone. Love is something that can’t be expressed in words. It can be shown, by all of these, but this isn’t Love. Love is something undescribable. Love isn’t a feeling. Feelings lie. Feelings change. Love never fails. Love never demands it’s own way. When life and love collide, what could happen? Who would fall to their knees in sobbing and weeping? Could anyone possibly sit there as if nothing occured?

I think all too often we, myself included, look at so much other things and look to so many other things that really isn’t worth giving my time of day to. There comes a day though when all we want is change. When we find there must be something more, but what is it that we’re looking for that we don’t have? We’ve done everything else. We’ve had the sex, we’ve done the talks, we’ve done everything … but were is the love? Does love just come from doing these things, or does love come from something else? Life is so much more than acting wild and being crazy. What is it though?

We look so many ways fo something that we don’t need. We think that “if this makes me feel good, it must be good”. What if what feels good is wrong though? What if what makes you feel good today makes you tremble tomorrow when you’re holding the phone? I’ve been there, and I’ve been here.

Right now I feel like I have butterflies, but they’re like burning. It’s the awesomest feeling, yet at the same time there’s something that makes me want to just let any emotion that I have out. I see people with open hearts that are so beautiful, but like a face pushed to the ground and stepped all over, so has their heart been. Their hearts are so broken. They look to other things for what they want. On movies they show sex, it looks like they like it. It looks like nothings wrong with it, and that no one really gets hurt. What if they only show one side? What if sex does hurt more than one person? What will happen when they’re holding the phone trembling because of what was said? Will doing whatever feels good really benifit anyone?

Whilst I’ve never smoked, nor have I never drank, or even done drugs … does it make me want to? Will that make me feel better on those days when I feel so bad? I’ve been on several sides of the road, and sometimes I feel like I’m on the dirtroad going in the wrong direction. God in all his grace has set me free, yet sometimes I feel like there’s something missing. I’ve done the deed, I’ve done the act, and all I can say is that in hindsight — which always seems 20/20 — it was wrong. What felt good at the time didn’t hurt me at the time. It tried to destroy me. Had I continued on the course it would have. While I might would have been successful in the workplace, I would be longing for love that couldn’t be found in sex or anything else. I’ve noticed a few things about getting to know someone, loving someone, and never touching them once — you really love them. It’s not lust, it’s love. Pornography doesn’t bring love, sex doesn’t bring love, nothing we can do can bring love. Sex isn’t a display, showing, or even an act of love, unless you really know them. Not just saying you know them, but really getting to know them. It’s not any of that until you and the other can wait until marriage — no matter how hard that may be. That’s the problem though — it is hard. It’s possibly the hardest things in live to do — waitting for marriage to have sex.

There are hundreds of zombies walking around all around us. They claim they feel perfect, yet they’re dying inside. No one knows it but them, no one knows what they’re going through but them, no one has ever experienced what they’re experiencing. There are other people though. They’ve been there. There’s no reason to stay at home in their rooms with their head in their hands. There is someone who loves them. There are other people who have went through what they’re going through, and some pull out of it, some stay in their own prision poisioning themselves by their own self-hatred. Why, though? Is this really the way to live? Does life really feel better when you cover it up with sex? Sex is so awesome, it’s something that’s beyond what human imagination can imagine. What makes it awesome if everyone knows what you’re like in bed though? Is there anything awesome in that?

Sure, your going to have sex and of course you’re then getting married. When, though? You’re sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty … you’re still caught up in all of the drama elsewhere in life and imature with other things to ever be making such a rash descision. Very few are mature enough to handle marriage comitments at the age of eighteen or nineteen, though some are. If you’re too imature to wait to have sex though, are you really mature enough to handle marriage? A lasting marriage at that? What will happen when ten weeks from now she breaks up with you? Will there be another girl to treat the same way, to go and have sex with and tell her the same stuff you told the other one? What happens when he breaks up with you? Will you still believe the stuff that he told you? The truth of the matter is, there are very few lasting marriage that occur with highschool sweethearts. When you’ve been with two people, does that really make life more satisfying? What happens when you’ve given your hear away to five people? I’ve been here, I said marriage, I was engaged. The engagement lasted four months. Truth of the matter is, I never loved her. Our relationship was based on more of lust than anything — on both sides. So what’ll happen when that call comes? Will you run to another relationship? Will you consol with friends? Will you drop to your knees and cry out to God? Or will you just sit there, and wait to die.

A Love Letter

Jesus. The name above all other names. The man I claim to be Lord of my life, yet I run so far away so many times and would deny him and sin. He died on a cross for me, in a death I would hope to never know. He died before I even called him Lord. He died before I ever loved him or even recognized him. He loved me! He still loves me today. He has shown me his love daily simply by giving me the twenty-four hours I have each and every day. In a second he could turn his back on me and I’d be obliterated. Yet he loves me. This man who did nothing wrong loves me. For all the things that I’ve done wrong, He loves me. He’s given me talents and abilities that I would have never been able to excersise in the way they are used today had it not been for this man. He created the world in seven days. He is great, greater than any king or heir of this world. The nations will bow at his feet and give him glory. There are days when I see all of the worries and cares of this world and feel it’s too much, yet Jesus is right there. He loves me not because he has to, but because he wants to. He likes me. He’s not like a friend of any sort that I have on earth. If you say something against a friend on earth they may disown you, but God isn’t like that. I’ve hurt him countless times, yet he loves me. He doesn’t just passively loves me like the world loves either. He really loves me. He knew when I would sin and died so that I could have life with him, in his presence.

Sometimes it’s so easy — esspecially for me — to love someone I’ve never even saw. Someone who at times feels a million miles away. Sometimes God feels closer than my skin, sometimes he seems further than the moon. But God, I love you. This is your love letter. I’ve saw the things of this world and I’m sorry I got involved. I’m sorry for the times when I look around and just want to give up instead of looking to the one who loves me unconditionally. Jesus, you give me the strength to make it through some days when I’m feeling the entire world is against me. There’s something deep inside that keeps my faith alive. Sometimes no matter where I look it seems all I see is people that want nothing more than to hate you God. Yet at the same time, I don’t stand up and show those people your love and show them who you really are and that you love them so much. God, I want to be a man after your own heart. There are times when I know there are things are wrong, but I just don’t give them to you. God, each and every day I need to make you front and center, not someone or something else. You are God. Jesus, I don’t want to be prideful or boastful or haughty, I want to be the exact opposite of those. I want to show others the fruits of your Spirit God — love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self-control. God I want to walk with you in the way I would walk with a friend. I want to talk to you the way I talk to my very best friend. God, you know my heart — you know everything about my heart. You know my next words, and what I said six years ago that hurt you, you also know those words I said six years ago that invited you into my heart. I didn’t have to say a prayer, I didn’t have to repeat something else, you already knew me. You changed my heart in ways that were jaw dropping. God, this is the only thing that can be used to describe what has happened since then:

Tell me the things that I need to keep my heart
From breaking clean
Leave me with numbness and watch me lock
Myself in a disbelief
Where does this movement come from, I’m holding on so desperately
This love is so intricate it leaves me taking

There were so many things that I didn’t know was holding me back from you. All I said that night was “I love Jesus”. And you took my heart. You took every peice of me and broke chains of bondage and everything ungodly out of my heart. Some things took longer than others, but in all my heart changed. I wasn’t the same anymore. God, all I want to do now is thank you. Thank you Jesus for taking my hurts, my hate, my anger, my obsessions, my sin, my lust, my bitterness, my pride, my self-indulgence, and my chains. Thank you for not looking at me and saying that you don’t want me. Thank you Jesus for doing the ultimate. For saying, 2,000 years ago that there was someone that you loved and that you couldn’t live without him and you’d rather die a painful sinners death — the death I deserved — just to be with me. You swam the ocean for me, you bridged the gap I could never repay for my sinful self. Jesus, I want to focus on you and never take my eyes off of you. I want you to be my one true love. You are my one true love, your voice God is what I seek, I love you. When I wake up each and every morning, I want your face to be all I seek. Jesus I love you, and this is your love letter.

The Perfect Fit

So, it’s been a while since I last wrote in this thing. A lot has happened since my last entry. Where should I start? Let’s start with work, ah work.

First things first, it doesn’t appear that I’ll go back to work at Maxwell until later, purhaps over Christmas break. I went to see my old teacher, Mr. Spivey, and he’s called and said he’s found me a job. I’ve yet to call the guy who does have the job, but I will sometime tomorrow.

On to other things. School has been alright, I’ve written an essay and done a lot of math homework, but other than that I’m pretty good. Oh, I’ve also had to read some text out of the books.

Hurricane Katrina seriously messed up a lot of our countries structure. It seems a lot of things are going on here lately. While I’m looking at all of it, I’m seeing how much grace God has truely given us over the past decades, yet we’ve taken it for granted each and every time. We have sin and lawlessness abounding in our country (with the murder of unborn babies, the acceptance of homosexuality, and other very detestable sins), yet we still love to say “God has blessed us”. Doesn’t it strike you as odd that we can be blessed by God; but we can’t bless God? You know, when you have someone giving you blessings, aren’t you kind of asking to be blessed in return (like you’re friends with someone — you’re both blessing each other by your friendship). So why is it this way with God? Why must he bless us, but blessing him is off limits? Why is it okay to say “God Bless America” yet we’re doing nothing to bless the God we just asked to bless America? I truely believe the “blessings” we’re getting are the benifits from the hard work, prayer, and sacrifice our forefathers gave for our country. At the time you had to depend on a priest to tell you what the Bible said. If you tried to say something against what a priest said, you were cursed and killed for such beliefs. William Tyndall, one of the translators of our modern English Bible was killed for translating the book we read today and take for granted. Historical documents are now taken out of context of our American history. The forefathers all but forgotton — all we remember is they were a part of founding this nation. Yet if it wasn’t for the price they paid we’d still be under the oppression of other countries, of other people. We’d not have the freedoms that everyone today loves to abuse. While sure, God doesn’t make bad things happen, he can allow them to happen. I highly believe God wants us to turn to him, he’s tried to wake us up with September 11th, we didn’t wake up. How many people have been affected so much by that event that they turn to God, they’ve stopped their gossip, sexual immorality, and various other “okay office fun”? A handfull really turned to God durring that time. Now this event. How many people are going to respond? Notice how this isn’t JUST effecting the south, this is effecting the entire economy. I believe if this doesn’t wake us up, there will be other events. Each time it get’s bigger. The first event, arguably, was the school shootings. Just a few people died. September 11th, several thousand died. Katrina, thousands upon thousands are expected to be dead. This isn’t including the effects this could cause on our economy.

Look at it from this perspective, the Isrealites knew they were Gods people, yet they constantly went their own way. God would warn them constantly, but they wouldn’t listen. They were either, then, taken into slavery or even in some cases a great many were wiped out. It’s not that God hated those people, or wanted to do it. If God wanted to do it, he wouldn’t have warned them COUNTLESS times through MANY profits. America calls it self a Christian nation — if we are, we need to truely start acting like it.

Moving along …

Sarah. I’ve talked about this phenomenal 18 year old woman several times already (and she’s even peaked into an entry), but I’ve not really told about her I don’t think. Sarah is from California. She’s about to start college at UC San Diego. She’s into drama. One of the words she likes to use is: “woot”, she doesn’t think that I can say the word, but I can. She’s just an awesome young lady whom I’m just privledged to know. I could talk about her all day, but I’ll save everyone reading this the “unwootness” of boring you (although if she could describe herself it would be “woot!”).

Wow, it’ll 11:40, I better get off.

I Need You – The Brief Summary

Ah, another time to write in my blog. This past week has been pretty awesome. I’ve started classes (I think I’ve said this twice though). I got the syllabus for my new English class (English Comp 1), and all I can say is … I’m confused as to what the “homework” is (or was). I e-mailed the teacher, but she just said “See you monday” (hmm … and I asked her a few questiones, lol). I’ll see Monday I guess as to what I’m suppose to do … and sit. I worry too much sometimes — I think it has something to do with nervousness though.

Moving right along … I’ve been programming a little this week on E-Blah. I mainly fixed several bugs that were still lingering around. I’ve worked so hard on that peice of software … I can’t believe it is where it is today. That’s another story though, I guess.

Over these past few nights I’ve not gone to bed until 3AM, as I’ve been having some pretty good discussions with Sarah. Very good discussions actually. That’s about the main thing really interesting happening in my life right now, and I’ve already talked about the main stuff (the stuff I’m going to share) in the other entry. So …. I’ll talk about my classes again.

My first class is music appreciation. So far it’s boring. Very boring. I’m trying to keep it together, but sometimes I have to try to find something to entertain my brain. The music is actually alright (although I’m not that fond of classical), but the reading and trying to follow along — that doesn’t seem to be happening.

My second class is english, and I’ve already discussed that in this entry.

My third class is math. I’ve always liked math (recently anyway), and this one seems like I’m going to enjoy it. I’m a little confused on parts though … over all though, the teacher seems like she’s a good teacher. I enjoy listening to her teach (even though her native language doesn’t appear to be English).

My last class is American Government. Thus far it’s been alright, but it’s not something I’m jumping around excited to be a part of, but as the class gets underway and there are discussions I’ll probably like it (although I’m going to hate it if I’m the only one with certain views in there).

On Thursday Mrs. Nichole came over and I helped her transfer over some stuff from her old computer to her new one, which is always fun. I also setup a few things on her new computer. I’ve since got on it (over the internet) and removed Norton because she had Avast (which is free). Now she’s all good to go I think.

Also on Thursday, the pastor from LWWC, Chris, came over to our house. The visit was very good, and various things were shared and it was just an awesome time. I don’t know what all will happen — other than I’m still going to be going there on Sunday and Wednesday nights. I love the people there and the teachings, very diffrent from my norm, which I hope will help me grow more in Christ. I’ve really enjoyed verything there thus far, and it’s reminded me so much of the cell group I left in Colorado. I believe God’s got a ton in store for them over there.

Now for my home church (Sunday mornings). I’m not sure if I posted anything on this, but I started doing the projections (via the computer) for the time being. Last week was my first time (and tomorrow … today … will be my second). It went great on Sunday, and I believe most people followed along better (as the scriptures was also put on the screen as he quoted them). I’ll be taking my laptop up there for that, and then copy the songs they use from the churches computer durring Sunday school, which is fine for me. I’m hoping there will be a change there soon. That’s another subject, and I’m not going to post anything on that at the moment.

Wednesday – 10:29PM

Okay, this week has been a new experience, which I think is kind of obvious. Tuesday, the second day, was more event filled than Monday and I did a little work (took notes in Math) and then just listened in on American Government (which wasn’t too interesting, as it was the first day and all). Today was about the same as monday, only I think I had even more free time. I got out 30 minutes early in each class. Speaking of class, I no longer have to take the remedial english class that was worth no credit. I wrote an essay, and it was good enough to get me up a level (and I really thought the essay was bad). It was also good because I got the wrong book for English anyway, which I was already going to have to go return.

Well, that’s been my college life experience. It’s kinda boring (the talk about it), so I’m not going into too deep of detail (I’ll put myself to sleep).

Now moving on to other things going on in my life. Tonight was church night. It was another pretty awesome night and all. I think I kinda got some “reassurance” I needed on a particular issue that I’ve been thinking about lately, so that was good. I’m not going into much more detail with any of that though.

Over the past few days I’ve met someone who’s helped me a lot, and I think she’s just a really cool, awesome, young lady and I think I have to post a little something her. Her name’s Sarah. I hope she don’t kill me for adding a little shot of her face, but hey. She found me on MySpace (I hate that site more and more each day, but at least I found, she found, someone good on there). She’s been an awesome listener, and we’ve had some pretty deep discussions, which is something awesome (and you’re lucky if you get a deep discussion with me for 10 minutes … let alone 5 hours …. for several nights). She’s a very committed 18-year-old, who loves God (oh, and listens to Christian Rock). Now, I can’t say some of the stuff we’ve discussed … but either way, some awesome stuff (did I say how awesome she was, and how I like the name Sarah …). Anyway, this is her …

Sarah

College – Day 1

Day one of college. It happened. Today was the very first day of my college experience. I got there at around 9:00 and had a few minutes to just “chill” until class started at 9:30. The first class: music appreciation. While I’m not much of a fan of music [class] in school in the first place, I was a little sceptical upon entering. It paid off. I definatly wasn’t “amused” by what we’ll be doing in there. I don’t really mind it that much though, I know I’m going to do work — I just didn’t expect it to be in a music appreciation class. I might not mind it too much, though. I have to do an oral presentation (eek) about music, so I think I’m going to sign up to do Modern Worship. That might be pretty cool to research. We can work with a partner, but I don’t know anyone … but maybe I can meet someone and we can do it together, I would love that. We also have to go to a concert … so I’ll be experincing a concert soon, I suppose.

Next class was English. We did very little in the class, it was actually pretty good. I had to write an essay (which I believe I did sorely on). I’m good at writing on the computer where I can just … type — like I’m doing now. But sitting there putting my thoughts out with pen and paper, it’s both slower and I find it more difficult to do. I wrote about Desperation. I thought it was somewhat decent, although I put my heart into the posts here … what I wrote there was just mind to paper. I hate reading mind to paper. Very boring stuff. Maybe someone will see something out of it and all though. We’ll just see.

Now … tomorrow is two new classes. First is math, second is government. I like both of them, but really I don’t know how it’ll be in class. That’s a post to be saved for tomorrow.

Ah, a lot has seemed to have happened since my last post. Anywho … thanks to everyone who reads my blog, I don’t normally address the reader, but thanks. If you’re a reader and ever find an entry you want to comment on, feel free! I love comments about the entries. Now I’m off …..